I don’t remember the man’s name, but I remember his story. It was shared several years ago at a meeting I attended of child care adminstrators from across the Southwest. We had gathered to discuss the importance of trauma informed care.
All of us were aware that one of the challenges of working with children from hard places is finding the ability to form meaningful relationships. Children who have been traumatized by life have a difficult time forming the ability to trust again. Seriously, without forming relationships, it is impossible to help children heal and move beyond the damage incurred in their lives.
It is a tough topic because to do it well requires something other than business as usual. We are more accustomed at managing behavior rather than building relationships with children.
I share this because it occurred to me at the time, based on the man’s story that we make the same kind of mistakes in church. Rather than focusing on relationships; particularly the importance of an on-going relationship with God, we place more emphasis on behavior than we place on a sense of being connected with God.
The man who spoke was someone I didn’t know. He had been invited by someone on the program planning committee to provide a devotional thought at the beginning of our meeting. What he shared came as a complete surprise to me.
I was moved by his words. He mostly talked about himself and his experience with church. Twenty years earlier, at the age of thirty-five, he found himself at a place he never thought possible. After twelve years of ministry in full-time church-work, he found his life shattered through divorce.
D I V O R C E is more than a hit record recorded by Tammy Wynette. DIVORCE represents an incredible disappointment to anyone involved in the process. Of course, the pastor’s divorce was also the catalyst for his unemployment. Strange is it, even though most churches are aware that their pastor isn’t perfect, they at least want him to be married. To add insult to injury, his ex-wife moved his children 300 miles away.
From his experience, the man suggested there is very little difference between a Tsunami and a divorce. His dreams and hopes for the future were totally shattered. He really believed his life was over.
It was months before he even considered stepping foot back into a church. After all, from his perspective, his life was a continuous pattern of disappointment, shame and remorse.
When he started back to church, he purposefully was the last person through the door before the service began and the first person out when the service was over. He always sat on the back pew and immediately left when the service was over.
He challenged our group to understand that our primary job is helping children see how their exits can become entrances. We have to help children from hard places see life differently than the way they are used to seeing it.
Helping them through relationships see that exits can become an entrance. He said this: “One day when I thought my life was over, a person walked into my life that was able to see little things of value in the pile of trash. I can’t change my past. I can’t change my DNA. What is redemption anyway? It is simply buying something back from what would have been trash. Isn’t that what we try to do.
Too many people have sold themselves short. Forgiveness and grace sometimes means that not only is it okay to let myself off the hook, but to understand that God has already done that.
The man suggested that church people need to do a better job of building relationships and forming connections with folks who see themselves outside the fold. That is the only means for demonstrating grace rather than condemnation.
All My Best!
Don
Carpe Diem 